20 Years On

Next week is my 20th High School Reunion (insert shudder here).

I can remember when my 10 year reunion rolled around and I was bummed that I was going to be out of town. I had made arrangements for a professional development opportunity that I really wanted to pursue. It helped ease the disappointment of missing the reunion, but still, there was a part of me that was a bit down.

I had visions of making my grand entrance, with an air of "Yeah, yeah... y'all were right... but now I'm also FABULOUS!" I would walk in, head held high, some good lookin' guy on my arm. I would be successful and happy, not stuck in some dead-end relationship with a spouse I totally despised, wondering what had happened to all my dreams and aspirations. In reality, I would be happy that MY dreams and aspirations (the ones of holding the closet door closed and hoping no one had any reason to suspect any truth to their petty suspicions) never came true.

Here it is, another ten years later, and I'm fast approaching my 20 year reunion. And I made a great realization: I don't want to go.

I'm happy. I'm relatively successful. I'm out and have a great man in my life. I may not be rich, but I'm content (for the most part). There are very few people I am curious about or really want to see. I have no need to prove them right about my sexual orientation. It's not a big deal. I've stayed in (infrequent) contact with a few people from back then. But overall, for those with whom I haven't even kept in cursory contact with, were we--are we--really that close that I'd want to celebrate 4 years of angst with them some two decades later?

I don't mean to be shitty: I'm sure there are a lot of people who would be fun to see again. To catch up with. To hug and say Hi to. But it would all feel so empty. I am no great correspondant, and any promises of "Let's keep in touch!" would be as empty as those high school inscriptions in the spring of '89.

I wish all of my former classmates happiness and contentment with their lives, truly. I'm sure there are some very lovely people in my class. But high school memories are not the ones that have stuck with me. It's been those from my adult life, my current life; those are the memories that I hope to still cherish some 20 years (or more) on.