Important forces in my life

So last night as I was laying in bed, I was fighting sleep. Maybe it's better to say that my brain was fighting sleep. It was just one of those nights when you can't shut your brain "off".

For some reason my mind wandered to those that have made an impression on my life and guided me and helped me be Me. Some of my mental images were fragmented and colored with strong emotion (I am a Cancer after all--I can't NOT tie emotion to anything).

My blood family, because let's face it, without them I'd never have been, nor never have been Me. Despite the distance and the loss of contact (aside from the man I consider my dad), I haven't been in contact with any of my blood family since my mom passed in 1998. I love them and I miss them; but as time has gone on I have just never made efforts to contact them (though in my own defense, they haven't made any outreach attempts either). It just seems the more time that passes, the easier it gets to continue not trying to contact them. Which saddens part of me since I think, for the most part, I have a pretty okay fam.

My parents, in particular my mom (I think our love was indicated by how hard we fought--she always making me crazy because I realize now that she wanted me to be a good person).

Mrs. Russell, my 9th grade Humanities instructor. Really turned me on to English and English lit.

Ron, Jim, and Hank -- my language instructors. Hank above them all--I have many fond memories of him taking me under his wing and being one of my first true mentors and keepers in the community. I used to ditch his class to hang out down at Scandals. The only reason I never got in trouble was because, well, I was down at Scandals doing something productive with my time.

To all The Guys at Scandals, CCs and those diehards who hung on during the After Hours at the Brigg. These were the people who truly taught me language and skills. Chris R, Dean C, Hank; all of whom made a HUGE impact on my life but are gone now. Tim and Bates: you gave me wit and humor with language, and pushed me to be better than I was. There are so many faces whose names have faded with time but who are all fondly remembered; without them it's absolutely true I wouldn't be where I am linguistically and professionally today.

Brad--for what he did for me and my mom (that's gonna have to be a dedicated post).

Miss Caledonia, whose spirit and spiritual teachings mean so much to me and who I am glad to have looking down on me ever since she passed.

To anyone who was ever invited to party at the Mockingbird house, with very few exceptions. My circle of friends still resonates deeply within me and I miss them every day whether thinking about them or not. I especially appreciate those that understand the fact that we all have lives and that, even though we are not in contact daily or even regularly, we can still pick up again when we see each other and our love and friendship hasn't faded with time, but has indeed become more cherished. Occasionally I will go through old pictures of them, and tear up because these people were---are---so important in my life and I miss them. They too helped me be where I am today. As a not-quite-so-mushy aside, I have to say that my favorite pictures of any of my friends are the ones where they are laughing. A genuine, straight up from the toes belly laugh. It brings me no end of joy when I see those pictures.

Not that I appreciate any of my friends any less but there are two individuals have the strongest resonance with me. One is a no-brainer, and one surprised me when I realized it (because the love and support quietly manifested itself in ways that are so crucially important to me). One is my best friend, who stood by me even at my worst of times when I really didn't deserve to have such a loving spirit in my life. And the other is someone who was there for me in April of '98; who did something for me that made me realize what an important force and energy she would be for me (though there are a myriad of other ways too, April was the clincher), and who I can never thank enough for what they did. Both of these individuals loved me and cared enough for me to let me follow my path despite the fact that it took me physically away. These are two people I think of from home almost daily, though my contact is sporadic.

CJM who helped me become the professional I am today (very important to me, as my job is very important to me).

The Muskrat, who I have made absolutely crazy for nearly 10 years now, but who stands by my side, even when I fuck up and loves me in spite of all my faults, and who is one of my most outspoken supporters and has given me a whole new extension to my already large family.

My musings could go on and on; I think everyone who has been in my life has been a force in some way, good or bad. But these people come up for me in my thoughts regularly. For better or worse, I owe who I am to them.